Here's to tomorrow.

     I’m not sure what I want at all, but I think I’m okay with it. I’m confident, happy, energized and ready to take on everything that is going to be thrown my way this year. The striking differences between the new me, and last semesters me is undeniable. I don’t think I could live through another semester like the last; it stripped me down to absolutely nothing. I spent so many empty nights crying more than I think anyone has ever cried before. My body can’t handle the eruptions of emotion that those sorrowful nights brought to me. Never ever again do I want to sit on that cold, hard bathroom floor helpless, looking for ANYONE to give me feeling, to make me better. I looked for that person in all the wrong places; the flirtatious cheater at work, the really good fakers, stranger at the party and even in some of my best friends. Love doesn’t heal you, it cuts into you deeper and deeper to get to your heart and I wasn’t anywhere near ready to be cut open again. You have to put on a new layer of yourself every morning when you wake up and hope it stays on during the day, and that’s what I’ve been doing. Finally, I think they’re starting to stay. I feel stronger, but not quite ready for romance to dig into me again. Surprisingly, I think I’m done working on myself. I was never like this before, I was never so self centered. But as soon as my heart fell apart, all I did was stay on my knees with my head down looking for the rest of myself. I owe all my friend apologies for ignoring their needs over the last few months, I’m so sorry I changed. This year I’m refocusing myself. One person cannot change my whole life, and I can’t believe I almost let him. I’m getting involved again. I used to volunteer, read, listen and pray but I was so caught up in my despair that I let that part of me slip away. I’m ready to help again, to learn, to be there for people and to reconnect with everything bigger than me. I’m ready to grow into who I’m supposed to become. I don’t need anyone but my friends to assure me that I am a person—guys can’t do that for you and now that I look back I can’t believe that’s what I used to think. The right one may not come along within the next month or year, but I’m going to be completely okay with that. I’m having so so so much fun just discovering. I was so stuck on going walking backwards trying to find what I lost along the way that I forgot about all the new and exciting things that are right in front of me. I can’t wait to begin again. I love hearing myself laugh like I used to. And I love looking in the mirror and genuinely smiling. I love the pictures that are taken at the wrong moments, and although it may not catch us with the perfect smile, the happiness is still there. I love walking by myself not because I’m hiding my tears, but because I need time to think about all the reasons why I am blessed. Here’s to not only a terrific new year, but to a new tomorrow.