P.O.W.

I’m keeping you prisoner inside my head. Tightly shoved into a little box in the back of my mind, no one knows you’re still there except for me… and to me, you are still very much there. You manage to exist in every thought I try to process—even when it should have absolutely nothing to do with you. As much as I’d love to let you escape for some reason, I can’t. You are a prisoner of the war raging within me, a war between my heart and my head. You, of course are fighting for my heart; which only seems right because it’s still yours to rule. Although, it doesn’t seem fair that you can occupy both my head and my heart, but both are so used to you being there that I can’t seem to break the habit. Some days I’m okay and the only thoughts I have of you are the negative ones; you didn’t treat me right, I’m better off; we would have never survived the long distance…etc. The ones that wound me the most however, are the days when the fire inside me that longs for you is fed with thoughts of hope. Maybe if we just changed this one thing, we could make it. Or maybe if I just stopped being so unappreciative of the things you did do, we’d both be a lot happier. Whatever day it does end up being, one thing never changes: I miss you. I miss you in the mornings when I don’t get those good morning texts. I miss you in the afternoons when, ‘the funniest thing happened to me today…’ Ah, but the worst is late at night when no one is there to distract me from you and the only voices I hear are those of the artists on my iPod…they make my heart ache for you. It’s in these moments that I can’t help but get out those pictures of us that I swore I’d throw away by now and try to cry. But of course pain isn’t that easy, I can’t let it out because true torture is one that lacks a release like tears. So here I sit, alone and numb debating whether or not this really is the right thing. And that’s the hardest part, not knowing. Uncertainty is the cruelest punishment I’ve had to face with this heartbreak. I don’t know what you’re thinking or how you’re feeling… but at the same time I’m scared to. You’ve never cared about me like I have you and you don’t understand love—and for that, I resent you. I would have given up my world for you and in some ways I already have. What did you give me? 2 years of wondering, anxiety, heartache, longing, sadness, pain….joy, butterflies, comfort, and security. I’ve always been torn between loving you and hating you… now it’s just harder to choose because I don’t have your influence. I want to love you. Stop. That’s not an option anymore. I can only believe now, that the camera’s flash was what made it look like you admired me in those Kodak moments… and those good memories of mine were only made so because I was blinded, not because you actually cared. Am I blinded by the flash or by love? Were you just passing time with me? Like a bible on the nightstand, I was only used when you needed me, when no one else could make you feel like you had worth. When your buddies, videogames or parents had let you down there I was, waiting. All I did was wait. As hard as that title is to accept, I’m glad I could be that for you. To this day, I’d rather be that to you than nothing at all. Unfortunately, that’s what we are though… nothing at all. As soon as my heart and my head allow me to accept this, the war inside me will be over.