The Past

Why are we so afraid of people from our past when they try to reclaim their places in our present? Maybe we’re afraid they’ll see the changes we’ve made over the course of their absence, the changes we’re afraid to admit to even to ourselves.

The Biggest Lie I Have Ever Told.

Here’s the thing _______,
We really did belong together. You were fucking everything to me and I would have done anything for you. I miss you every day. Thank you for teaching me as much as you did. I’m so happy now, so happy. Life and college and the people I’m hanging out with are everything I need. I really, really hope that you feel the same… because, even though we aren’t together anymore, you still have a piece of my heart. I’m so sorry about how everything ended… it was so wrong of me. And I hope to God that I didn’t hurt you.
Find someone amazing ______ because we both deserve it.
Here’s all my leftover love.
-Meee.

Numb.

I knew there would come a day when I can see your face and feel

nothing—what I didn’t know is that on that same day, I could look at

the beauty of a sunset and feel nothing as well.

Isn’t it weird how one boy can make you feel like the prettiest girl in the world, while a simple act from another can make you feel like the ugliest?

Closure.

I don’t think closure is what I want, because I want to always be open to the idea of you.

Words.

Writing can take you anywhere.

I could tell you I have glacier eyes, as deeply blue as the sky before it storms.
And you’d have no choice but to close your own eyes to what I say and believe me.

I could say, ‘I’m doing great, don’t worry.’
And what choice do you have?
The most complicated of lies are typed out, in a single structure of a sentence-- Leaving you no choice, but to believe it.

Words can lie. Feelings lie.
I love you.
You see those chills you got, just from looking at the strength of those words?
I felt nothing as I wrote it.
And i feel nothing now, as i read it.

That is what you have taught me, to feel nothing.

When you are not here, looking me in the face,
Right in the eyes that I told you about
Then what you say doesn’t matter.

Because words can lie.

P.O.W.

I’m keeping you prisoner inside my head. Tightly shoved into a little box in the back of my mind, no one knows you’re still there except for me… and to me, you are still very much there. You manage to exist in every thought I try to process—even when it should have absolutely nothing to do with you. As much as I’d love to let you escape for some reason, I can’t. You are a prisoner of the war raging within me, a war between my heart and my head. You, of course are fighting for my heart; which only seems right because it’s still yours to rule. Although, it doesn’t seem fair that you can occupy both my head and my heart, but both are so used to you being there that I can’t seem to break the habit. Some days I’m okay and the only thoughts I have of you are the negative ones; you didn’t treat me right, I’m better off; we would have never survived the long distance…etc. The ones that wound me the most however, are the days when the fire inside me that longs for you is fed with thoughts of hope. Maybe if we just changed this one thing, we could make it. Or maybe if I just stopped being so unappreciative of the things you did do, we’d both be a lot happier. Whatever day it does end up being, one thing never changes: I miss you. I miss you in the mornings when I don’t get those good morning texts. I miss you in the afternoons when, ‘the funniest thing happened to me today…’ Ah, but the worst is late at night when no one is there to distract me from you and the only voices I hear are those of the artists on my iPod…they make my heart ache for you. It’s in these moments that I can’t help but get out those pictures of us that I swore I’d throw away by now and try to cry. But of course pain isn’t that easy, I can’t let it out because true torture is one that lacks a release like tears. So here I sit, alone and numb debating whether or not this really is the right thing. And that’s the hardest part, not knowing. Uncertainty is the cruelest punishment I’ve had to face with this heartbreak. I don’t know what you’re thinking or how you’re feeling… but at the same time I’m scared to. You’ve never cared about me like I have you and you don’t understand love—and for that, I resent you. I would have given up my world for you and in some ways I already have. What did you give me? 2 years of wondering, anxiety, heartache, longing, sadness, pain….joy, butterflies, comfort, and security. I’ve always been torn between loving you and hating you… now it’s just harder to choose because I don’t have your influence. I want to love you. Stop. That’s not an option anymore. I can only believe now, that the camera’s flash was what made it look like you admired me in those Kodak moments… and those good memories of mine were only made so because I was blinded, not because you actually cared. Am I blinded by the flash or by love? Were you just passing time with me? Like a bible on the nightstand, I was only used when you needed me, when no one else could make you feel like you had worth. When your buddies, videogames or parents had let you down there I was, waiting. All I did was wait. As hard as that title is to accept, I’m glad I could be that for you. To this day, I’d rather be that to you than nothing at all. Unfortunately, that’s what we are though… nothing at all. As soon as my heart and my head allow me to accept this, the war inside me will be over.

Dear New Girlfriend.

Dear new girlfriend,

I hope you are happy. I hope you stay happy for a very long time. I hope you dedicate a large portion of your lives to each other, and when you look back 14 months from now, I hope that all you see are the happy times you have shared with him in your life. Next Christmas, I hope he makes it really special—one of the most romantic ones yet. And I hope all those love songs that make you feel at home get stuck in your head throughout the holiday season. On New Year’s Eve I hope you feel like it’s going to be the best year yet, just because you have him. I hope that midnight kiss initiates so much blood pumping that you feel like you might have a heart attack. I hope the fireworks you see in the sky aren’t nearly as beautiful as the ones in his eyes. As winter turns into spring, I pray your like turns into love and respect to admiration. I hope you lay in bed at night talking on the phone for hours—about sweet nothings. I hope he gives you a night to remember. Forever. I hope this newfound love of yours brings on great new experiences and feelings that make life worthwhile. I hope that one day he’ll grab your hands—it feels like fire—look you deeply in the eyes, almost to your soul, and tells you he loves you. And I hope you are never the same after that moment. I really hope you start to talk about him so much that even your best of friends get annoyed, but in a good way because they are just so damn happy for you. I hope one day he takes you on a road trip, one that makes you fall in love with him all over again. The hours spent in the car will seem like minutes and the laughter will chase away the dullness of time. Actually, I hope the whole time your together feels like this. Like life is a looking glass, and all you can see is you two—everything else is just a bonus. Then I hope that glass shatters. And you can’t see anything except the brokenness. I hope you look back on those 14 months and see all the pain love allowed you to ignore. I hope you’re blinded, because love is blind—and I hope he leaves you alone in your darkness. I hope you clutch your phone in anticipation, and then I hope you throw it against the wall when you finally realize it was a wasted effort. I hope those hours spent on the phone turn into minutes and most of them are spent in tears. I hope he’s late for every. single. date. I hope that when you finally go your separate ways that it’s the hardest thing you have ever done. When you reach for the telephone to tell him about ‘the funniest thing happened today..’ I hope he doesn’t answer. And I hope it hurts. I know his words will echo in your heart forever, and you’ll long for the sound of his voice. Don’t worry, that last moment together won’t be the last time you’ll see him—you’ll spot him everywhere. He’ll haunt your dreams, thoughts and even your reality. Eventually though, you’re going to start to feel okay. Your body will get tired of being broken and finally go into protection mode and allow you to feel nothing. I hope it’s the worst nothing you have ever felt.

I hope you fall in love with him you shiesty little bitch.

Life is A Game

Why does time go by so quickly? It feels like just when you learn a lesson or figure out just how something works you have a whole new challenge to face. I wish life was like a videogame and before you started you kind of had an idea of what was coming. Your ‘spirit guide,’ so to speak, would explain what each weapon he’s handing you does, and whom it is capable of hurting. I wish that when we were stuck we could just press the start button to pause, and run and grab a snack to re-boost our energy and be ready to go. Wouldn’t it be easier if we knew who our enemy was throughout the whole game of life just be reading the back of the box it came in?
We spend our lives fighting all different types of people and battles and sometimes they aren’t the right ones. The weapons we are handed in real life are really powerful, named: love, compassion, hatred and the most powerful of all being our words—a combination of all the other weapons. No one is there to tell us who to use them all on or how, and what seems like would be the best part of the game is actually the worst; we never run out of ammo with any of them. You can never love too much, and you’ll always find someone to hate. With every new level there’s always someone new to depend on you, whether you need to have their back as you rush throw a crowd with piercing swords and stares, or just give them some advice as to where to go along the way.
Maybe some menacing 4th grader really has the controls, and he does all this to fuck us all up. He picks the wrong character to fall in love with the princess and for the best friends to get separated by some momentous event. Then sometimes he gets up to leave, and finds a new game to play. And just when you’d think we have the most control—we feel out of control. No one is there to tell us what to do. As the game progresses, the harder it gets. The more power is given to us, the harder it is to control.
Some people quit the game too early, they get discouraged and frustrated before its time to shut it off. I don’t care how long the mom in your head screams for you to turn it off and go to bed, it’s never time to shut off the power. They leave before the game gets good. One day we’ll all beat this game and find out what the surprise is at the end.
I wish that when you lost a heart, or broke one, you could just go wander around the dark corners and find another one. I guess real life is kind of like that, when your heart is broken you’re on a constant search for someone who can give you a new one. I hope that immature 4th grader isn’t in charge of that too.

What Are Friends For?

They say the best of friends stab you in the front—maybe because it’s easier to go straight for your heart that way. When you are watching the blade come towards you, there is plenty of time to realize what is happening, yet the force is so strong it’s not enough time to stop it. After you watch it puncture the hard protection of skin, there is also plenty of time to watch the pain bleed away. With each heartbeat, a gushing flow of memories leak to the floor. Best friends stab you in the front because, well… it gets the job done.

Any homicide committed face to face is premeditated. The culprit knows how to make it hurt, spending hours listening, laughing and earning the trust of their vulnerable victims. But these moments are only used to sharpen the blade. The murderer ensures a crowd gathers too, standing around to watch you fall to your knees into the pool of blood and tears which has begun to form. “She had it coming,” they will all say.

I heard she had it coming.