Kiss Off.

"Love

She tries it on like a dress.

She decides it doesn't fit,

And starts to take it off.

Her skin comes too."

"The Heart

In the desert

I saw a creature, naked, bestial,

Who, squatting upon the ground,

Held his heart in his hands,

And ate of it.

I said, "Is it good, friend?"

"It is bitter--bitter," he answered;

"But i like it

Because it is bitter,

And because it is my heart."

It Had To Be You.

"Do you feel a certain sense of synergy between yourself and me? A kind of macabre and somber Wondertwin type of harmony. What if it was you? You that I needed all along.

What if it was you? You that I needed all along. I felt like a fool. Thinking we were completely wrong. It seemed like a dream, a beautiful scream That echoed forever and made us not afraid to feel a thing.

And after it ends, We’ll try to be friends. They say that what doesn’t kill us makes us who we are. All this time and everything’s changed but I still feel the same. All good things eventually end and get washed down the drain. What a disaster it would be if you discovered that I cared a little too much for friends but not enough to share.

What if it was you? You that I needed all along. I felt like a fool. Now that I’m sure that I was wrong… It had to be you. It had to be you. It had to be you. I knew it was you."

— Motion City Soundtrack

New Years.

I hate New Years Eve. This is absolutely, hands down the worst holiday ever invented. We should not celebrate the start of a New Year. Who cares? One day shouldn't change what you are going to do for the whole year. Change whenever you feel the need to change. Also, why would you put SO MUCH pressure on one day? What if new years is shitty? Does that mean your whole year is shitty? I feel so obligated to have a terrific, awesome, amazing time that im STRESSING. I'm stressing about having fun. There is something wrong with this picture. The people i spend my new years with should be my best of friends, but some of them won't be there. I don't want to bring in a new year without EVERYONE i love around me. This is just an excuse to make out at midnight, get drunk and overindulge on everything you swear you're not going to do for the next 364 days... but you'll probably end up doing it anyway. I know i sound like the biggest scrooge in the world right now, and you're thinkign wow what a negative way to start of the year... NO!! This day will not define my year. NO. If i let last year define my year then i would say that i had a shitty boyfriend, parents and friends.... wait. hahah. I DID have a shitty boyfriend and parents. So i could be wrong. Maybe it does. WHICH IS WHY ONCE AGAIN I SAY NEW YEARS SUCKS!

Happy New Year everyone!!!!!
:D
:D
:D
:D
D:
D:DD:D::D
:Dkjewklhjrae;jekfwl

Sanctus Real

"If weakness is a wound, that no one wants to speak of then 'cool' is just how far we have to fall. I am not immune, i only want to be loved but i feel safe behind this firewall. Can i lose my need to impress? If you want the truth, i need to confess i'm not alright. I'm broken inside and all that i go through just leads me to you. Burn away the pride, bring me to my weakness until everything i hide behind is gone. And when i'm open wide, with nothing left to cling to only you are there to lead me on. Cause honestly, i’m not that strong."

-I'm Not Alright.

You are my writers block.

Here's to tomorrow.

     I’m not sure what I want at all, but I think I’m okay with it. I’m confident, happy, energized and ready to take on everything that is going to be thrown my way this year. The striking differences between the new me, and last semesters me is undeniable. I don’t think I could live through another semester like the last; it stripped me down to absolutely nothing. I spent so many empty nights crying more than I think anyone has ever cried before. My body can’t handle the eruptions of emotion that those sorrowful nights brought to me. Never ever again do I want to sit on that cold, hard bathroom floor helpless, looking for ANYONE to give me feeling, to make me better. I looked for that person in all the wrong places; the flirtatious cheater at work, the really good fakers, stranger at the party and even in some of my best friends. Love doesn’t heal you, it cuts into you deeper and deeper to get to your heart and I wasn’t anywhere near ready to be cut open again. You have to put on a new layer of yourself every morning when you wake up and hope it stays on during the day, and that’s what I’ve been doing. Finally, I think they’re starting to stay. I feel stronger, but not quite ready for romance to dig into me again. Surprisingly, I think I’m done working on myself. I was never like this before, I was never so self centered. But as soon as my heart fell apart, all I did was stay on my knees with my head down looking for the rest of myself. I owe all my friend apologies for ignoring their needs over the last few months, I’m so sorry I changed. This year I’m refocusing myself. One person cannot change my whole life, and I can’t believe I almost let him. I’m getting involved again. I used to volunteer, read, listen and pray but I was so caught up in my despair that I let that part of me slip away. I’m ready to help again, to learn, to be there for people and to reconnect with everything bigger than me. I’m ready to grow into who I’m supposed to become. I don’t need anyone but my friends to assure me that I am a person—guys can’t do that for you and now that I look back I can’t believe that’s what I used to think. The right one may not come along within the next month or year, but I’m going to be completely okay with that. I’m having so so so much fun just discovering. I was so stuck on going walking backwards trying to find what I lost along the way that I forgot about all the new and exciting things that are right in front of me. I can’t wait to begin again. I love hearing myself laugh like I used to. And I love looking in the mirror and genuinely smiling. I love the pictures that are taken at the wrong moments, and although it may not catch us with the perfect smile, the happiness is still there. I love walking by myself not because I’m hiding my tears, but because I need time to think about all the reasons why I am blessed. Here’s to not only a terrific new year, but to a new tomorrow.

reblogged.

"Give it to me straight, I got a lot of heart to break and a lot of love for you that needs to die.
Won’t you hurt me and hurt me good. Let the truth burn like it should."

“I would never pull the trigger but I’ve cried wolf a thousand times. I wish you could feel as bad as I do, I have lost my mind. It’s all your fault, you called me beautiful. You turned me out, and I can’t turn back. I hold my breath because you were perfect. But I’m running out of air, and it’s not fair”

Get lost, someday.

I always have a blank page waiting

To be filled with words

Sprouting from the heart

Trying to reach out to you.

So here they are, fresh from my soul.

Someday you will be loved.

And adored for everything you are.

Not just for supplying a warm hand to hold

Or a shoulder to rest tired eyes on.

Someday you will be loved

For more than showing your love for them.

Someday you will be loved

Because of the way you laugh.

I want you to know you deserve better.

All you know is what is going on in your world

But I promise you dear, there’s a lot more than that.

There are cool, open nights waiting for you to run through.

The moon is longing for your praise.

Don’t dance begging for rain, dance for every day that you’ve been woken by the sunlight.

Don’t become the fallen days you’ve once felt.

Rise above the pool of tears still lingering on the floor of the bathroom.

Straighten up, higher than the sink you once clung to for stability.

Allow yourself to stand so tall that you can look yourself in your very own eyes.

Get lost in the color.

Get lost in the blackness.

Get lost in the feeling.

The only time I ever want you to get lost is within yourself,

Either while you’re listening to your favorite song, or while gazing into who you are.

The amazing understanding of Brand New

With one or two I get used to the room, we go slow when we first make our moves.
By five or six bring your wheel to the car.
Number nine with my head on the bar.
Its sad, but true, out of cash, and I own you.

We got desperate desires and unadmirable plans, my tounge will taste the gin and malicious intent.
Bring you back to the bar get you out of the cold, a sober straight face gets you out of your clothes.
And they're scared, that we know all the crimes they'll commit and who they'll kiss before they get home.

I will lie awake.
Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you, let you fall for every empty word I say.

Barely concious in the doorway you stand, your eyes are fighting sleep while your mouth makes your demand.
You laugh at every word trying hard to be cute, I almost feel sorry for what i'm gonna do.
And your hair smells of smoke.
Who will cast the first stone?
You can sin or spend the night all alone.

Brass buttons on your coat hold the cold, in the shape of a heart that they cut outa stone.
You're using all your looks that you've thrown from the start, if you let me have my way i swear ill tear you apart.
'Cause it's all, you can be, you're a drunk, and you're scared, it's ladies night, all the girls drink for free.

I will lie awake.
Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you, let you fall for every empty word I say.

I wish

I wish I weren't always so hopeful.
Entertaining these thoughts with a spoon of optimism isn't exactly the dose of medicine i need.

I'm sorry for being so closed off.

Lately, people have been implying that I hide too much of myself from the world. First, let me tell you how wrong you are. The world knows me inside out, thoroughly and completely. On campus, late at night, I walk alone in the world and I talk out loud. I talk to myself, the stars, the imaginary person that I wish was with me right then and there. I'm sorry friends, but the world knows me better than you. If you'd like the edit that statement and claim that I hide too much of myself from you, my dear friends, then yes, I guess your right. I never meant to be like this, as a matter of fact before this last year I was the girl who trusted too much. What a cliche right? "The girl who got her heartbroken and now doesn't trust anyone." Please don't judge, because I think it's true. I don't believe in anyone and I think it's starting to show.

However, there are a few of you out there that I think deserve to know me. And I think I trust you. So take this as a gift, an annoyance, or just skim past it, but this is for you.

1. I love my mom more than anyone in the world. She's the most spontaneous, random, clueless, naive person on the planet and I hope I grow up to be just like her.
2. I am heartbreakingly jealous of my sister's relationship with my brothers.
3. I am the best liar I know.
4. When I was little, whenever I got a helium balloon that I didn't suck the air out of, I'd tie an encouraging note to it and let it go, hoping that I'd change someones life.
5. I honestly believe my dog understands everything I say.
6. Jello is fascinating.
7. I found out a secret about my dad about 5 years ago and I've been terrified of him ever since. And I feel guilty for allowing it to hurt our relationship every single day.
8. Within in the last month or so, I'm actually starting to appreciate my beauty and who I am.
9. I keep my purity ring on even though I broke the promise... yet, for some reason I have never felt any guilt about it.
10. I tell people it's going to be okay, even when I know it's not. But hey, I can only hope that they'd do the same for me when I need it.
11. I always say I don't want to get married, but I totally do.
12. The person who has hurt me most in my life isn't my ex boyfriend, it's my oldest brother.
13. My favorite adrenaline rush is any act of rebellion.
14. I think I love someone who is perfect for me, but it's not perfect.
15. I think I like someone who sucks for me, but I'm drawn to imperfection.
16. I truly believe in leaving before you're left, because it gives me a sense of pride that I was able to walk away.
17. I really don't enjoy drinking most of the time, I just do it because it's a fun way for everyone else to relax and get on the same level of happiness of me.
18. Speaking of which, I really really am a happy person. Happier than anyone I know. And I am truly thankful for that. Whatever it is, i hope it never goes away.
19. I take it as flattery when I hear that I'm not showing enough emotion, it means I'm tough and that my plan is working.
20. I suck at planning. I don't know why, but I am incapable of making plans more than a few hours ahead of time.
21. I purposely don't text boys back, cause I'm terrified of being the clingy type.
22. I think I have everyone figured out.
23. I don't believe in saving money, what's the point of saving? Live in the moment, enjoy what you have now and worry about the rest later.
24. I want to travel everywhere. I want to learn about new cultures, experience new things and have no idea what the hell is going on. I want to see more than just whats in front of me.
25. I lovee the chase.
26. Every prom/homecoming/formal dress I have ever bought is still sitting in my closet, and I think they're the ugliest things ever.
27. I was never sad when my grandma died, but it's okay cause everyone else in my family are fakers too.
28. I feel closer to people when they're farther away.
29. My grades are average... but I could definitely do better. I just find better things to do.
30. I always wanted to runaway when I was little... and I still do. But only for the adventure!
31. I need attention in order to survive.

Please, be there.

"Don't stop thinking
Don't stop feeling
One step away
From where we were
And one step back
To nothing
And we're standing on top
Of our hopes and fears
And we're fighting for words now
Concrete girl."

Please, dont let me stop feeling.
And please don't let me stop thinking.

Listen to my cries,
ever so silent.
i know i hold them in, but i need you to understand.

I need something real.
Something i can lay in bed at night and just smile about.
Someone to be the song in my head that i can't get out.
I want to sing it over and over, and recite the lyrics every time i close my eyes and take in the sun.

I'm not even hurt anymore, the bleeding has stopped.
But thats not good enough.
Kiss the scars and tell me you're sorry,
that someone took a piece of me from you.

Take me on a drive,
so far away that i won't miss anything but you
in those moments that you look away.

confusedddddd!!!!

confusion isn't as glamorous as it always looked.
these soft tears, following a trail down my cheek
smearing the black mascara i use when i try to hard
wiping away pieces of the disguise
its not pretty
especially when you're the tear forming in the pit of my eye

i used to think confusion gave you two choices
both of them would turn out for you in the long run
but no.
confusion is having two options and BOTH of them fucking you over in the end.

confusion is not knowing whether its all in your head
or all in his.

confusion is the uncertainty of finishing that kiss.
and not knowing why it even started.

confusion is not knowing his intentions...
and not wanting to know.

stupid stupid stupid

i'm not sure.
it was all a blur.

you asked me if i liked you
and stupidly, i responded with who?

my thoughts raced faster than time
is lying an unforgiving crime?

i have all these feelings, that i'm afraid to admit.
and i'm still dealing, but not ready to commit.

i know once i'm yours
i'll be as wavering as the far away shores

i want what i cant have
and once i get it
i'll give it right back.

i'll give you right back.

People Always Leave.

It doesn't matter how far they go,
Its the fact that they bought that ticket or hit the gas.
Regardless if they make the move slow,
You can't expect any relationship to last.
"I'm a drifter," you say with a sense of pride.
Well, I'm a lover. And I'm not about to just set you aside.

dreaming with a broken heart/rise against.

"I thought I heard your voice but I thought wrong,
'cause you're not there anymore,
no you're not there anymore

and so I lift my chin and the show goes on,
the sky is listening, the stars all sing along,
but you're not there anymore,
and I just can't care anymore"

"I can't remember exactly when this longing began
but I know it wasn't before the day you touched my hand,
but I'm still waiting, yeah, and I'm still waiting"

"I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
there I just said it
I'm scared you'll forget about me"




When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with your crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Oooooooooohhhhhhhhh

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Baby won't you get them if i did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

Oh how i love ice skating.

Walking back through this place is like reliving my favorite dream, the one where your hand is my only warmth and your eyes my only comfort.

No one else around even matters.

My only focus is you.

The rink is filled with memories of us, frozen through the ice into time. All of our memories and old feelings are still echoing off the cold, white walls of this circular paradise.

The deep, burning contrast of then and now is enough angry heat to melt the hard rock ice we once stood on.

I am now alone.

Watching the old us, go around and around.

In my moment of chilly solitude I watched as couples held each other together.
And then i watched the people confident enough to skate alone hold themselves together.

And i couldn't decide who i would rather be.

After more observation, i realized that the single people held themselves up a whole lot better than any of the pairs could. Alone, they could stand their ground and skate with even a certain elegance, a beauty that only something strong can send off.

But then there was the other beauty, the one that was harder to watch and easier to envy. Every time she lost her balance, she desperately reached out for his hand and he would catch her. They laughed. She didn't look around out of embarrassment, she only looked towards him. And every time she would stagger, again he caught her and helped her get up and held her tighter the next go round.

So which is better? Being strong enough to stand on your own? Or allowing yourself to become weak in order to strengthen a bond with someone else?

Relationships make you weak as an individual, because you let down those walls. When you're alone, you depend on those walls to hold you up, make you strong, and to protect you from the hard fall that you know is waiting for you.

I was scared to fall when i was skating alone.

But I think I'm more scared that if i skate with someone, they will let me fall.

I don't even understand this one, so it's okay if no one does.

“How did you get like this?” he asks. And I’m not sure if his question stems from curiosity or concern.

I can’t even look him in the eye as I collect the answer inside my head, in fear that he may see through the fact that I am only pretending.

“My life these last few months has been like a painting. A lot of thought has been put into it, people have stared at me trying to figure out what I mean and I have been shaped carelessly by the hands of others. Some strokes were soft and careful—almost caring, and others were rough and inconsistent. I became like this because someone painted outside of the lines. They didn’t care enough to stay inside.”

He looked at me like I was crazy, but I did not expect him to understand. After all, he himself had become one of the faults on the canvas of my heart.

“The artist had left me unfinished and with too much contrast. Before I had the chance to become perfect beauty in their eyes, I was given up on and put on display. I was not ready for the critique of someone with an eye for these things and I certainly did not want to be in the show where everyone could stroll by and openly judge me by my mistakes. I wanted to scream at them from my spot in the frame ‘They made me this way! This blunder is not mine.’ But I know they wouldn’t listen, they too have learned that words mean nothing.”

By the look on his face I can see that he is slowly beginning to understand, and the look in his eyes mirror the pain I had once allowed mine to show. Poor guy.

“Yeah, I became this way because I handed someone the tools to shape me. I wet the brush, laid myself out to him and trusted them to allow me my full potential. At first it was great, the brush tickled down my spine softly, and we giggled together. As he stared at me I could see the reflection in his eyes of what I was becoming, and it was beautiful. But then the sun went down on us and his eyes began to stray. I was neglected, and the paint got lumpy and dry. So when he did press, it was harder and sloppy and the tickling turned to pain. And I couldn’t see my reflection because his eyes were closed to me. So I did the only thing I could thing to do, I had to survive. I didn’t even flinch as the bristles moved painfully across me. I didn’t even flinch when the comfort of his humming voice turned to a dusty silence. And when he left me up there, alone, incomplete and still dripping from the spill of black… I didn’t even flinch.”

I watched the words soak in and the careful response leak from his lips, “So… they just used you, and left you there. And now the colors that were once bright and bounced off of the simpleness are mixed together, to this color? The way you are now?”

“Black, you mean?”

“Yes.”

It was hard for him to accept that. No matter what colors and compliments he tried to mix in, it would only make me messier.

“I think it’s time to start over.”

Me.

Self-proclaimed hypocrite, optimist and heartbreaker.

I am the epitome of a tortured soul

And sometimes, I’m just a big, fat faker.

I keep my money in a shoe

And my secrets in a box

The boy at the party tells me I’m interesting

But if he only really knew.

I’m actually really afraid of society

And the people I meet

Too much variety

And a high risk for deceit

I look in every mirror I pass,

hoping to see more than what I feel

but really my reflection is all that’s in that glass

and I realize I’ve really lost my appeal.

My heart is only beating cause it has to

And it thrives on an impossible dream

Of being completely who I am

And maybe changing my point of view.

When I close my eyes, I see myself changing the world

It only works when it is dark like this though

Because imagining is the only thing I can really do.

But I promise to try

And further my reach

And hopefully touch the life of someone

Even if it is only with this speech