The Past

Why are we so afraid of people from our past when they try to reclaim their places in our present? Maybe we’re afraid they’ll see the changes we’ve made over the course of their absence, the changes we’re afraid to admit to even to ourselves.

The Biggest Lie I Have Ever Told.

Here’s the thing _______,
We really did belong together. You were fucking everything to me and I would have done anything for you. I miss you every day. Thank you for teaching me as much as you did. I’m so happy now, so happy. Life and college and the people I’m hanging out with are everything I need. I really, really hope that you feel the same… because, even though we aren’t together anymore, you still have a piece of my heart. I’m so sorry about how everything ended… it was so wrong of me. And I hope to God that I didn’t hurt you.
Find someone amazing ______ because we both deserve it.
Here’s all my leftover love.
-Meee.

Numb.

I knew there would come a day when I can see your face and feel

nothing—what I didn’t know is that on that same day, I could look at

the beauty of a sunset and feel nothing as well.

Isn’t it weird how one boy can make you feel like the prettiest girl in the world, while a simple act from another can make you feel like the ugliest?

Closure.

I don’t think closure is what I want, because I want to always be open to the idea of you.

Words.

Writing can take you anywhere.

I could tell you I have glacier eyes, as deeply blue as the sky before it storms.
And you’d have no choice but to close your own eyes to what I say and believe me.

I could say, ‘I’m doing great, don’t worry.’
And what choice do you have?
The most complicated of lies are typed out, in a single structure of a sentence-- Leaving you no choice, but to believe it.

Words can lie. Feelings lie.
I love you.
You see those chills you got, just from looking at the strength of those words?
I felt nothing as I wrote it.
And i feel nothing now, as i read it.

That is what you have taught me, to feel nothing.

When you are not here, looking me in the face,
Right in the eyes that I told you about
Then what you say doesn’t matter.

Because words can lie.

P.O.W.

I’m keeping you prisoner inside my head. Tightly shoved into a little box in the back of my mind, no one knows you’re still there except for me… and to me, you are still very much there. You manage to exist in every thought I try to process—even when it should have absolutely nothing to do with you. As much as I’d love to let you escape for some reason, I can’t. You are a prisoner of the war raging within me, a war between my heart and my head. You, of course are fighting for my heart; which only seems right because it’s still yours to rule. Although, it doesn’t seem fair that you can occupy both my head and my heart, but both are so used to you being there that I can’t seem to break the habit. Some days I’m okay and the only thoughts I have of you are the negative ones; you didn’t treat me right, I’m better off; we would have never survived the long distance…etc. The ones that wound me the most however, are the days when the fire inside me that longs for you is fed with thoughts of hope. Maybe if we just changed this one thing, we could make it. Or maybe if I just stopped being so unappreciative of the things you did do, we’d both be a lot happier. Whatever day it does end up being, one thing never changes: I miss you. I miss you in the mornings when I don’t get those good morning texts. I miss you in the afternoons when, ‘the funniest thing happened to me today…’ Ah, but the worst is late at night when no one is there to distract me from you and the only voices I hear are those of the artists on my iPod…they make my heart ache for you. It’s in these moments that I can’t help but get out those pictures of us that I swore I’d throw away by now and try to cry. But of course pain isn’t that easy, I can’t let it out because true torture is one that lacks a release like tears. So here I sit, alone and numb debating whether or not this really is the right thing. And that’s the hardest part, not knowing. Uncertainty is the cruelest punishment I’ve had to face with this heartbreak. I don’t know what you’re thinking or how you’re feeling… but at the same time I’m scared to. You’ve never cared about me like I have you and you don’t understand love—and for that, I resent you. I would have given up my world for you and in some ways I already have. What did you give me? 2 years of wondering, anxiety, heartache, longing, sadness, pain….joy, butterflies, comfort, and security. I’ve always been torn between loving you and hating you… now it’s just harder to choose because I don’t have your influence. I want to love you. Stop. That’s not an option anymore. I can only believe now, that the camera’s flash was what made it look like you admired me in those Kodak moments… and those good memories of mine were only made so because I was blinded, not because you actually cared. Am I blinded by the flash or by love? Were you just passing time with me? Like a bible on the nightstand, I was only used when you needed me, when no one else could make you feel like you had worth. When your buddies, videogames or parents had let you down there I was, waiting. All I did was wait. As hard as that title is to accept, I’m glad I could be that for you. To this day, I’d rather be that to you than nothing at all. Unfortunately, that’s what we are though… nothing at all. As soon as my heart and my head allow me to accept this, the war inside me will be over.