I wish

I wish I weren't always so hopeful.
Entertaining these thoughts with a spoon of optimism isn't exactly the dose of medicine i need.

I'm sorry for being so closed off.

Lately, people have been implying that I hide too much of myself from the world. First, let me tell you how wrong you are. The world knows me inside out, thoroughly and completely. On campus, late at night, I walk alone in the world and I talk out loud. I talk to myself, the stars, the imaginary person that I wish was with me right then and there. I'm sorry friends, but the world knows me better than you. If you'd like the edit that statement and claim that I hide too much of myself from you, my dear friends, then yes, I guess your right. I never meant to be like this, as a matter of fact before this last year I was the girl who trusted too much. What a cliche right? "The girl who got her heartbroken and now doesn't trust anyone." Please don't judge, because I think it's true. I don't believe in anyone and I think it's starting to show.

However, there are a few of you out there that I think deserve to know me. And I think I trust you. So take this as a gift, an annoyance, or just skim past it, but this is for you.

1. I love my mom more than anyone in the world. She's the most spontaneous, random, clueless, naive person on the planet and I hope I grow up to be just like her.
2. I am heartbreakingly jealous of my sister's relationship with my brothers.
3. I am the best liar I know.
4. When I was little, whenever I got a helium balloon that I didn't suck the air out of, I'd tie an encouraging note to it and let it go, hoping that I'd change someones life.
5. I honestly believe my dog understands everything I say.
6. Jello is fascinating.
7. I found out a secret about my dad about 5 years ago and I've been terrified of him ever since. And I feel guilty for allowing it to hurt our relationship every single day.
8. Within in the last month or so, I'm actually starting to appreciate my beauty and who I am.
9. I keep my purity ring on even though I broke the promise... yet, for some reason I have never felt any guilt about it.
10. I tell people it's going to be okay, even when I know it's not. But hey, I can only hope that they'd do the same for me when I need it.
11. I always say I don't want to get married, but I totally do.
12. The person who has hurt me most in my life isn't my ex boyfriend, it's my oldest brother.
13. My favorite adrenaline rush is any act of rebellion.
14. I think I love someone who is perfect for me, but it's not perfect.
15. I think I like someone who sucks for me, but I'm drawn to imperfection.
16. I truly believe in leaving before you're left, because it gives me a sense of pride that I was able to walk away.
17. I really don't enjoy drinking most of the time, I just do it because it's a fun way for everyone else to relax and get on the same level of happiness of me.
18. Speaking of which, I really really am a happy person. Happier than anyone I know. And I am truly thankful for that. Whatever it is, i hope it never goes away.
19. I take it as flattery when I hear that I'm not showing enough emotion, it means I'm tough and that my plan is working.
20. I suck at planning. I don't know why, but I am incapable of making plans more than a few hours ahead of time.
21. I purposely don't text boys back, cause I'm terrified of being the clingy type.
22. I think I have everyone figured out.
23. I don't believe in saving money, what's the point of saving? Live in the moment, enjoy what you have now and worry about the rest later.
24. I want to travel everywhere. I want to learn about new cultures, experience new things and have no idea what the hell is going on. I want to see more than just whats in front of me.
25. I lovee the chase.
26. Every prom/homecoming/formal dress I have ever bought is still sitting in my closet, and I think they're the ugliest things ever.
27. I was never sad when my grandma died, but it's okay cause everyone else in my family are fakers too.
28. I feel closer to people when they're farther away.
29. My grades are average... but I could definitely do better. I just find better things to do.
30. I always wanted to runaway when I was little... and I still do. But only for the adventure!
31. I need attention in order to survive.

Please, be there.

"Don't stop thinking
Don't stop feeling
One step away
From where we were
And one step back
To nothing
And we're standing on top
Of our hopes and fears
And we're fighting for words now
Concrete girl."

Please, dont let me stop feeling.
And please don't let me stop thinking.

Listen to my cries,
ever so silent.
i know i hold them in, but i need you to understand.

I need something real.
Something i can lay in bed at night and just smile about.
Someone to be the song in my head that i can't get out.
I want to sing it over and over, and recite the lyrics every time i close my eyes and take in the sun.

I'm not even hurt anymore, the bleeding has stopped.
But thats not good enough.
Kiss the scars and tell me you're sorry,
that someone took a piece of me from you.

Take me on a drive,
so far away that i won't miss anything but you
in those moments that you look away.

confusedddddd!!!!

confusion isn't as glamorous as it always looked.
these soft tears, following a trail down my cheek
smearing the black mascara i use when i try to hard
wiping away pieces of the disguise
its not pretty
especially when you're the tear forming in the pit of my eye

i used to think confusion gave you two choices
both of them would turn out for you in the long run
but no.
confusion is having two options and BOTH of them fucking you over in the end.

confusion is not knowing whether its all in your head
or all in his.

confusion is the uncertainty of finishing that kiss.
and not knowing why it even started.

confusion is not knowing his intentions...
and not wanting to know.

stupid stupid stupid

i'm not sure.
it was all a blur.

you asked me if i liked you
and stupidly, i responded with who?

my thoughts raced faster than time
is lying an unforgiving crime?

i have all these feelings, that i'm afraid to admit.
and i'm still dealing, but not ready to commit.

i know once i'm yours
i'll be as wavering as the far away shores

i want what i cant have
and once i get it
i'll give it right back.

i'll give you right back.

People Always Leave.

It doesn't matter how far they go,
Its the fact that they bought that ticket or hit the gas.
Regardless if they make the move slow,
You can't expect any relationship to last.
"I'm a drifter," you say with a sense of pride.
Well, I'm a lover. And I'm not about to just set you aside.

dreaming with a broken heart/rise against.

"I thought I heard your voice but I thought wrong,
'cause you're not there anymore,
no you're not there anymore

and so I lift my chin and the show goes on,
the sky is listening, the stars all sing along,
but you're not there anymore,
and I just can't care anymore"

"I can't remember exactly when this longing began
but I know it wasn't before the day you touched my hand,
but I'm still waiting, yeah, and I'm still waiting"

"I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
there I just said it
I'm scared you'll forget about me"




When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with your crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Oooooooooohhhhhhhhh

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Baby won't you get them if i did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part