Roll Call.

Every night before I let my eyes slip into rest for a while, I do a roll call of the people i care about in my head. "Julia?" Here. My best friend is doing well, she's found love and has found enough courage in her heart to do what a lot of us could not; she's leaving behind the things in life that challenge her. She's saying, I'm bigger than you and I will find happiness.

"Nicole?" Here. Even the sunshine of just her voice, from hundreds of miles away, can brighten up my darkest of days. She encourages, punishes and cares for me more than anyone i think I've ever met. Her passion for making people happy will change the world one day.

"Brandon?" Here. Troubles and adversity follow this poor kid everywhere, yet he's never given up. He never lets it effect the way he cares about his friends. God, how i love this kid. I will rest peacefully tonight knowing that he is always there for me.

"Trevor?" Here. He's the reason I'm probably awake at this ungodly hour, and also the reason for why I'm counting my blessings instead of sheep. He's smart, brave and one of the most passionate people I've ever met.

The list goes on: family, new friends and old. These memories supply the lullaby for my drifting mind.

But, i want you to know that when my subconscious calls out your name, i will proudly raise my hand and declare you absent. Because you don't belong here anymore.

Good Day.

Every song is one you know. The sunlight catches on your hair in just the right way today, because today is a good day. You step with the beat of the song that the world is humming, just for you. Even the biggest annoyances shrink down to the size of your doubts about the world--- which is hardly any at all.

Changing Winds

I think the wind comes from a sigh. Perhaps, a gust of wind kissed by the sun is just a sigh of pleasure. And cool, darkness comes from the mouth of a heartbroken lover. A wind filled with debris and particles of earth could be derived from the confused mind of an anxious child. A storm is EVERYTHING. So much emotion, it cannot be contained any longer. The clouds build up, the sunshine hides and finally we let it all go with a rainfall of tears. When someone adds a little sunshine to your storm, a rainbow appears. It’s a confliction, but something beautiful nonetheless.

Be my rainbow and I will be your warm front.

Adolescence is global warming; we don’t know what the hell to do about the change. We love the sunshine but beg for the rain, our constant sighs cause a hurricane, rocking the world like an earthquake. Sometimes, life feels like the beaches of California and other times it can be as dry and lonely as the deserts of Arizona.

Vulnerability Is For The Strong.

I wonder if you are as happy as you are pretending.
How could you be, knowing judgment lurks every corner.
All of you.
Who do you think you are being yourselves, dancing as a silhouette in the judging eye of this world?
Sit down before you are put down. Slip into your position of protection.
Vulnerability is only for the strong.
You are weak.
He who has not sinned, cast the first stone—with rocks in their hands they will pound away at the foundation of your being.
Sit down, child.
Vulnerability is only for the strong.
Heartbreak is born from the womb of trust and dies in the grace of eternity.
Let it be.
There is no disappointment that comes if you never try.
Blend in at best.
Confidence is for the shallow-minded because they are able to bounce right back.
Vulnerability is for the strong.

Old feelings.

I try not to look you in the eye,
I know when I do, I’ll be taken on a trip,
One I’m not nearly ready for.

My bags aren’t packed,
I didn’t have time to prepare,
My hearts on reserve,
So please don’t take me there.

As you inch closer,
Figuratively and literally,
I can’t help but wonder what it would be like,
To let down these walls,
Built for defense from crashing waves,
Raging fires,
Bullets of steele,
And words that hurt,
It's not nearly strong enough, however.
It doesn’t block your scent,
Or the things you say,
That make my heart,
And these walls,
Practically crumble away.

Like Moses, you part the sea,
The sea of feelings,
That has developed between you and me.

You’re in control,
Tell me how its gonna go.
Should I ride this wave
Or go against the flow?

Today Sucked.

I dreamt, felt and tasted you.
You were everywhere today.
Thoughts, feelings and needs.

You were in the poems written by others,
the eyes of everyone who cared,
and the object of every desire.

11.1.09

Dear Everyone,

You all suck.